


A Genius' Work is Never Done

by MiladyDragon



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: And also a closet Romantic, Break Up, M/M, Remix, Sneakiness, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:48:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26423635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiladyDragon/pseuds/MiladyDragon
Summary: Tony didn't know why Agent and Birdbrain broke up, but he certainly wanted to fix it.  Not that he'd ever admit to shipping the guys, or that he cared.   Because that would ruin his reputation.
Relationships: Clint Barton/Phil Coulson
Comments: 36
Kudos: 128
Collections: 2020 ClintCoulson Remix: Quarantine Edition





	A Genius' Work is Never Done

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ereshai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ereshai/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Living It Up When I'm Going Down](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1399423) by [ereshai](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ereshai/pseuds/ereshai). 



> This is written for the 2020 Clint/Coulson remix, and I chose this particular story to remix because I loved the idea of Tony working behind the scenes because the boys weren't using their words.

The first time Tony Stark noticed anything was wrong, was when Agent didn’t show up for Avengers Movie night.

Ever since he’d figured out that Coulson wasn’t really dead, and had convinced – read, ‘threatened to repulsor Fury into a greasy ball of slime’ – the lying bastard Director of SHIELD to de-classify Agent’s undead status and assign him to the Avengers, Coulson had been coming to many of the Avengers team nights. It didn’t hurt that, three weeks after his metaphorical return from the dead, he’d started dating Birdbrain…and weren’t they disgustingly cute about it? Honestly, there were times when Tony wondered if he wasn’t going to spontaneously develop diabetes from the sweetness of it all.

When he’d mentioned that to Bruce, he’d been laughed at. Apparently, the Big Guy was a fan of sickly romance. Who would’ve guessed?

Anyway, when Coulson didn’t show up, he’d asked Barton, “Your better half avoiding us, Legolas?”

Barton, who’d actually looked like shit – yeah, no one ever accused Tony Stark of being emotionally clued in – had promptly gotten that murder resting face that often had Tony worrying about the length of his lifespan and had fled the room, leaving the rest of the Avengers watching in surprise.

Well, except for Natasha. 

“He and Coulson broke up,” she sighed. “And, before you ask…I don’t know what happened. Clint won’t talk to me.”

“When did that happen?” Steve asked. He had on his ‘worried team leader face’ which was one of the guy’s default facial settings when it came to those living in the Tower.

“Two days ago,” Natasha answered. “All I know is that Clint showed up in my quarters, asking if he could sleep on my couch. As far understand it, Coulson’s moved out.”

“Out of their quarters?” Steve demanded. “Or out of the Tower?”

“Both.” Natasha sounded disgusted, like she’d expected Coulson to be the adult around here and was extremely disappointed that he hadn’t lived up to her expectations.

Well, that _sucked_.

Look, Tony wasn’t one of those guys who was outwardly lovey dovey – well, being with Pepper didn’t count, since he was never like that with her in public, and she completely understood and accepted that from him – but privately he’d been rooting for Barton and Coulson to make it. He might have complained about their public displays of affection and how icky they were, but in his heart somewhere near where the arc reactor sat, Tony had really been hoping. From what he’d been able to tell, the pair of them had been hopelessly pining after each other before Coulson’s getting stabbed by an Asgardian prima donna, and Clint had honestly mourned Agent’s death. When he’d come back, it had led to some sort of epiphany for both of them, and they’d gotten their acts together and had settled into not-so-wedded bliss, living together in Barton’s quarters here at the Tower. 

And now, Coulson was gone. Tony was pretty sure it wasn’t permanently, or else Fury would have been flouncing in and announcing they’d be getting a new handler. Now, that sort of thing wouldn’t’ve gone over well, since Agent seemed to be able to talk them down from whatever idiocy they were up to. That tone he got had had Tony seriously regretting his life choices, which was a trick since Tony Stark didn’t normally do regret. 

Okay, yes. Messing with Loki’s spear would have been a bad idea of epic proportions. And, creating a robot army? Even Tony could see that wouldn’t have been the smartest idea he’d ever had. Coulson was about one hundred percent better at that sort of shit than Pepper was, and the genius didn’t say that lightly, because Pepper had been doing it for years even though he hadn’t figured it out at the time. Pepper did it subtly, while Coulson acted more like the team Dad at times when they were misbehaving.

Which, ew. That made him boning Clint a little gross sounding. Perhaps the team Dad analogy was a bad idea.

“And Clint didn’t say _anything_?” Bruce inquired, sounding almost disbelieving. Yeah, that sounded wrong. Legolas and Spider Lady were as thick as thieves. Hell, the first time Tony had seen then acting around each other after they’d moved in, he’d sworn they were lovers. That had been far off the mark, although Barton had admitted that they had been, back in the dark ages of SHIELD when Natasha had first come in from the cold. They were just disgustingly close, easy in each other’s personal space, and that was that.

Of course, that had also been before he’d known about all the pining that had been going on between Agent and everyone’s favorite archer.

“I _tried_.” And whoa, was Natasha sounding defensive? That was new. “He’s flatly refused to tell me anything.”

Which, for someone who was that good of an interrogator, that had to irritate the _hell_ out of her.

Well, if she couldn’t get the truth out of her fellow Murder Sibling, then it was going to have to be up to Tony to get to the bottom of things.

^^^^^^^^^^

“JARVIS,” he called as soon as he hit his workshop, “I need to know what happened between Agent and Hawkeye two nights ago.”

“Unfortunately,” the AI said, sounding upset, but then JARVIS was about as much a closet romantic as Tony was, and had been rooting for the two agents as much as he had, “privacy protocols were running in Agents Barton and Coulson’s quarters at the time of their so-called argument. All I have are the passive readings of their vital signs, which do indicate distress on both their parts.”

Well, _that_ would have been too easy. “What about comings and goings? Their phone logs?”

JARVIS paused a second while he gathered the requested information. “Door logs show that both Agents arrived at their quarters at 8:46pm. At 8:54pm, the spikes in their vitals signs occurred. At 9:07pm, Agent Barton left their quarters, and according to the records went to visit Agent Romanov.” There was another pause. “Agent Coulson received a phone call at 9:37pm, and records indicate it came from Agent Johnson.”

Tony quite liked Daisy Johnson. She’d been an agent that Coulson had brought in, and he liked to call her ‘Coulson’s baby duckling’. Although he never said it to her face, because he didn’t want his bones to be quaked into splinters. “It’s too much to hope that you got any of that conversation?”

“I am afraid not.” JARVIS was actually pleased by that. “Agent Johnson’s skills at informational technology security are topnotch. I find myself unable to hack any of her protocols.” 

If Tony liked Daisy, then JARVIS was obviously in love with her. The pair of them got on like a house on fire. Whenever Coulson’s baby duckling showed up, the AI turned into a sodden mess of infatuated mush. He’d known that JARVIS had gained all sorts of emotional responses, but lovesick puppy had been a shock.

Even Pepper had bemoaned the fact that she hadn’t gotten to Daisy before SHIELD. Tony could understand that completely. The kid might not have a high school diploma, but she was sheer natural talent, and that talent really should have been working for Stark Industries. And that didn’t include the awesome Quake powers. Tony could swear there were times when Cap practically drooled at the notion of getting her for the Avengers. Daisy had, so far, turned all their overtures down, and it really frustrating. Coulson had looked proud every single time.

Tony sighed. Back on track. “What next?”

“At 10:09pm, Agent Johnson arrived at the Tower and went to Agents Barton and Coulson’s quarters. And, before you inquire, the privacy protocols were still in place, and I am unable to report on what they discussed.”

Damnit, the privacy settings had seemed like a good idea at the time…

“Finally,” JARVIS continued, “both Agents left the Tower at 10:22pm. Agent Coulson has yet to return.”

No, that wasn’t helpful really. “Thanks, JARVIS.”

“I do not feel as if there is anything to thank me for, sir.” He sounded downright upset. Yep, JARVIS was as big a Coulson/Barton shipper as Tony was. It was gratifying in a lot of ways, the major one being that Tony wasn’t alone in his need to see them back together. 

Not that Tony would ever admit he felt that way to anyone. He had a reputation to maintain, after all.

“You did the best you could, J,” Tony couldn’t help but reassure him. After all, there really wasn’t anything JARVIS _could_ have done, if the privacy protocols had been running. 

“Thank you, sir.” He didn’t sound very reassured, and it was a times like this that Tony wished he could hug his greatest creation. 

Tony sighed. “I think I need to gather more information. Can you locate Quake for me, J?”

^^^^^^^^^^

Finding Coulson’s baby duckling proved to be pretty simple. 

It turned out that Quake was hanging out at the New York branch of SHIELD headquarters, between assignments. That made sense, since that was where most agents were when they were waiting for their Lord and Master to speak from up high and tell them what to do. And, if Coulson _was_ staying with her, she might have some sort of idea what was going on; if he wasn’t, there was no telling where he was hiding out. Still, he’d need to come into the office at some point, although there was no guarantee it would be _this_ office if he’d run as far as the Triskelion, and hopefully Tony could confront him at that point.

But, for now, he _really_ needed more information first before he did any sort of confronting.

And his current source, since Widow had turned out to be a bust, was currently training with Melinda May who, in Tony’s opinion, was just as scary as the Black Widow was. Which made him question just where SHIELD got all these badass women from.

Tony didn’t have long to wait. They finished up pretty quickly just after he arrived. As he watched, May sent Quake into the mat in a flurry of strikes that ended in a hard throw. The kid laughed breathlessly as she stared up at May from her position on the floor, who reached down and pulled her up when Daisy silently waved a hand at the older woman. 

He’d only seen that sort of hilarity coming from Hawkeye after his own back met the mat back at the Tower’s gym, because Barton always insisted he could kick Romanov’s ass and then would have his own ass handed to him. He’d always laugh about it, and after the third time Tony’d realized that he was only saying it because he was expected to, not because he actually believed it. Honestly, it had been the first time he’d ever see someone happy to have gotten the snot beat out of them.

Well, until now, that was. Was it something about SHIELD agents, or just certain people, who found it hilarious that they’d just gotten creamed like that? Tony didn’t get it, and he was supposed to be a genius.

May spoke to Daisy, saying it quietly enough that Tony couldn’t hear it. Coulson’s baby duckling nodded seriously; it was probably something teachy about how to fight without getting stomped. Then the pair separated, May brushing past Tony as she left the gym, her small glare at him making his balls want to retract back into his body out of sheer terror. Damn, how could someone shorter and smaller than him make him want to cringe? He was Iron Man, for God’s sake!

Yeah, he needed to keep telling himself that, not that he’d ever convince himself of that. Just because he’d seen Natasha at her most vulnerable – and she was also shorter and smaller than he was – didn’t mean she still couldn’t kick his ass just like May could, in or out of the armor. Pepper would slap him upside the head if she ever found out he was thinking that sort of borderline misogynistic thing. And she would know, if she got a good enough look at him.

Coulson’s baby duckling was giving him the side-eye as she made her way toward one of the benches that sat against the wall of the gym, heading toward a violently purple bag that had Tony wondering how Clint hadn’t managed to steal yet. She plopped down ant then rummaged around for a towel and a bottle of water, wiping her face before chugging down about a third of the water in one go. Then, she said, “If you’re here about Coulson, I don’t have a clue what happened between him and Clint. It’s been like watching your parents fight…well, I _think_ it’s like that, since I never knew mine. It certainly _feels_ like that.”

“That is a vaguely disturbing analogy.” Mainly because Coulson and Barton having a kid was a little terrifying. And Quake would be the closest thing to that. There were times when Tony had to wonder if there was some sort of super-secret adoption paperwork somewhere. “Agent didn’t say anything to you?”

“Nope.” She sank to the bench, sighing. “And, believe me, I’ve _tried_ to get it out of him. Coulson isn’t talking. He just mopes every time I see him. He makes me want to sit him down, give him a blanket and a couple stuffed animals, and make him a cup of hot chocolate with extra marshmallows.”

That may have been a little too much information. “What you do in your spare time isn’t any of my business,” he commented, making an icky face at her.

She rolled her eyes. “You’re just as invested as I am in them. Don’t lie.”

Daisy had a point. Tony wanted to get them back together, which was why he was there, and that would mean suffering through their own mushiness when the inevitable happened, so there was that. Plus, it was good to know that he wasn’t the only one feeling like that. Not that he would admit it, of course.

“The only thing I _do_ know is that he had a meeting with Fury right before he left for the night,” Daisy continued. “Make of _that_ what you will.”

“Where is Agent now?” If he couldn’t get what he needed from Daisy, then he was going to have to go to what might have been the source, as it were. 

“Assignment. AC took the first one Fury could give him.” Daisy was the only person that would ever get away with calling Coulson that. Tony had tried, and had gotten tased for his efforts.

“Running for the hills, then.” Tony had believed Coulson was the adult of their relationship, but he’d learned pretty early on that that wasn’t necessarily true. Despite the fact that Agent usually _was_ the responsible one. It was a dichotomy that boggled the mind.

“Yep.” She looked up at him, her dark eyes sad. “I just want them back together.”

“Yeah,” he sighed. “So do I.” He usually wouldn’t have admitted that to anyone, but Daisy’s puppy eyes were almost as deadly as Cap’s. Besides, it was the truth.

^^^^^^^^^^^

Well, if he couldn’t confront Coulson because he’d run off, and Natasha hadn’t been able to get anything out of Legolas despite her best efforts, then Tony was going to have to go to the head pirate himself if he wanted more information.

JARVIS had him pinpointed on the helicarrier, because where else would any self-respecting pirate be, so he collected his armor and flew out to where SHIELD’s penile substitute was, hovering over the Atlantic near the Bahamas. What it was doing there, Tony had no idea, because the last time he’d been to the islands it hadn’t seemed like the sort of place SHIELD would find anything overly hinky going on, but then maybe Fury just wanted to stock up his rum supply.

Tony made a mental note to do the same, because pirates always knew where to get the best rum. At least, according to the stories they did.

He landed on the helicarrier’s flight deck, getting a few side-eyes from the crew who were working there. Tony paid them no mind, being used to getting those sorts of looks, and stomped his way inside the massive flying status symbol, where he promptly collapsed his armor down into its carrying case shape, the better not to announce his presence with the noise of clanking. Not that he minded the clanking, because it was intimidating as hell, but if Fury was in the Bahamas then the genius was going to show off the board shorts and Iron Man patterned Hawaiian shirt he’d chosen just for the visit. He was even wearing flip-flops.

He made a beeline to the bridge, where any decent megalomaniac one-eyed pirate would be hanging out, only to find Hill in charge. Damnit. “Stark,” she greeted him, her face and tone perfectly monotone. Oh, it wasn’t a patch on Coulson’s disappointed flatness, but it was a close second. She must have been practicing. “To what do we owe the honor of this visit?” 

He could tell it was anything but an honor, but Tony let it slide, mainly because it irritated her if he didn’t react. “Looking for the Dread Pirate Fury. Is he having someone walk the plank and not inviting anyone else?”

A tiny muscle at the corner of Hill’s eye twitched, and he counted that as a win. “The _Director_ is in his office.”

Tony flapped a hand at her, then sauntered out, a little disappointed that he couldn’t confront Fury in the middle of his throne room – yes, he was aware that pirates didn’t have throne rooms, but the comparison still worked since, as far as he was concerned, Nick Fury was one step away from evil overlord status.

Of course he knew _exactly_ where Fury’s office was; he probably knew the helicarrier better than most agents who worked there did, since he’d been in on the rebuild after the Battle of New York and had managed to secrete JARVIS onto the servers without anyone noticing. 

JARVIS was the best spy _ever_.

The door was closed, but Tony wasn’t shy about just bursting in. The office itself was boring, not at all the place where someone content to rule the world would plot his secret plots; it was plain, with a dark blue carpet and about fifteen filing cabinets, where all those secret plots were obviously kept. Tony wondered if anything about Coulson’s resurrection was in one, because Agent wasn’t talking and looked haunted every time someone mentioned it. That look made Tony hate Fury even more than he usually did.

Fury was sitting at his monster desk, but he wasn’t working on the piles of paperwork stacked on its surface or on the computer that _wasn’t_ something Stark Industries had built. Which was both personally and professionally insulting. His chair pushed back and his legs stretched out, as if he’d been waiting. “Close the door before Goose gets out,” he snapped, irritated. “I don’t need him terrorizing the junior agents. I’d like to keep the ones we have.”

Tony blinked in surprise, but he did close the door. “Goose?”

He felt something warm and furry at his ankles. Glancing down, he saw an orange tabby rubbing up against his bare legs, meowing at him in greeting. He jumped a little, startled, then took a careful step back and away from the cat. He _really_ didn’t like cats, dating back to a bad experience with a kitten, some extremely sharp claws, and his balls. To know that Fury actually _had_ one…what the hell? How had he not known that?

“I never would have pegged you as a crazy cat lady,” he snarked, in an attempt to hide his discomfort. Nothing in what he’d had JARVIS dig up on Fury hadn’t mentioned a goddamned cat. He was going to have to have a talk with his AI, because this was something he definitely should have been told about, the better to give the man grief for.

“Come here, Goosey,” Fury practically cooed. “Stop freaking out the big bad superhero genius playboy philanthropist.”

Tony boggled at the baby talk coming out of the asshole’s mouth. Was he dreaming? There was no freaking way Nicholas J. Fury was baby talking a _cat_. God, he hoped JARVIS had access to any recording devices in the office because he needed proof that it actually happened and wasn’t some sort of hallucination. And for blackmail material.

Goose made a chirping noise that sounded like agreement and left Tony alone, jumping up onto the desk and presenting himself for Fury’s attention. The man stroked along the cat’s back, while Goose bumped his head against Fury’s, purring loudly. It was adorable and it was shaking Tony’s world like a 9.0 earthquake along the San Andreas fault.

“So,” Fury said, while loving on the kitty, which meant it was hard for Tony to take him seriously _at_ _all_ , “what do you want, Stark? Kinda busy here.”

 _Busy being all mushy_ , is what Tony wanted to say. Luckily for him, his survival instincts were still pretty strong, and the last thing he wanted was to be chucked over the side of the helicarrier without his armor for making fun of the whole situation. “I have it on good authority that Coulson met with you right before he and Barton seemed to break up.”

“Goddamnit. They did _what_?” Freeing up one hand from its duty playing with his cat’s tail – and who named their cat Goose, anyway? – he rubbed at the bridge of his nose, knocking his eyepatch a little off kilter. Tony thought he was finally going to get a look at what was under it, but Fury nudged it back into place with practiced ease.

Tony wasn’t sure if he was disappointed or glad he missed it. “They broke up.” He went on to explain the very little information he had on the subject.

“I knew something was up when Coulson showed his ass in my office and wanted to get any assignment I had for him,” Fury growled. “Jesus, I should have realized it was even worse than I imagined when he actually _volunteered_ to take the junior agents out on a survival course.” Fury sighed. “And I had high hopes for this latest crop of kids. Coulson’s probably gonna wreck every single one of them with the shit mood he must be in.”

Damn. The genius didn’t want to know how Coulson would manage to do _that_ sort of damage to a supposedly well-trained SHIELD agent, new or not. He had a feeling it would be a little more than tasing them and then watching crappy reality television while they drooled all over the place.

“So.” Tony sprawled on the uncomfortable visitor’s chair, crossing his ankles and trying to look like he didn’t care, when he actually did. “Want to tell me what you two talked about, and what about it might have caused a lover’s spat?”

“Not really,” Fury growled. “It’s Level 12 material, and you’re not – nor will you ever be – Level 12.”

“Neither is Coulson,” Tony pointed out rather snidely. “And there’s no such thing as Level 12, anyway.”

Fury simply smiled slyly, stroking his damned cat like he was some sort of Bond villain daydreaming about world domination.

Wait.

“No way.”

The asshole shrugged. “I didn’t say a thing, Stark.”

“You didn’t have to!”

That…put a new spin on Phil Coulson, but Tony wasn’t about to admit that. He’d thought Agent was at most a Level 8, but to find out it was even higher than that…and a level that the genius could have _sworn_ didn’t even exist…seemed like JARVIS was failing him on the intelligence front, and that didn’t seem possible. He would definitely be having words.

“Look,” he leaned forward, staring Fury right in his single eye, “at this point, who gives a shit what Agent’s security level is.” He was going to pretend he wasn’t impressed. “All I care about is Agent and Hawkeye’s epic romance, and something is ruining it. I want to find out what it is. And you can’t tell me you don’t want to know, either.”

Fury looked like he wanted to chew broken glass, which should have been difficult with a cat head-butting his chin, but the one-eyed asshole managed to pull it off. “If those two ever managed to use their words instead of all this passive-aggressive bullshit…look, Stark, I have no fucking clue what happened between them. All I know is I offered Coulson the position to head up a new space division I’ve been working on for a while, and he turned me down flat. I knew he was gonna do it, but I had to offer anyway since he’s about the only one outside of a handful of others I trust with that sort of assignment and, to be honest, he deserves it after all the damned work he’s put into the Avengers Initiative. But he said no, he wanted to stay on Earth and work with the Avengers. Oh, and there was something about asking Barton to marry him, which I really didn’t want to hear but, as Coulson is one of my few friends, I decided to give him my blessing. So, if you can figure out what went wrong and want to try and fix that shit, go for it. Get those idiots back together and maybe I won’t have to start eating antacids like they’re candy when the ulcer inevitably kicks in.”

^^^^^^^^^^^

Well, if Tony couldn’t figure out what went wrong between Agent and Birdbrain, he was just going to have to work on getting them together in a way that they could figure out they really loved each other and see they were being totally stupid.

So, Operation ‘Getting the Idiots in the Same Room Together for Hopefully Make-Up Sex and Talking then Arranging Holy Matrimony so I can Help Plan the Wedding’ was a go.

Hm. Tony was going to have to come up with another name for it. That one, while right on the nose, was too long to say without taking a deep breath beforehand.

The moment he got back to the Tower, he was in his workshop and asking JARVIS where both men were. He could berate JARVIS later about the lack of information on the cat and the weird security levels SHIELD had.

“Agent Coulson’s phone is in Upper New York State,” the AI reported, “at what appears to be a secret SHIELD training facility.”

That meant Fury had been telling the truth about that. After he’d lied about Coulson dying, Tony always took what the bastard said with a really large grain of salt. Which probably meant that he’d been telling the truth about everything else, too. 

Fury had claimed that the survival course would last a week. Which meant Tony had time to plan. 

“Agent Barton’s phone is pinging in the Bedford-Stuyvesant area of Brooklyn,” JARVIS went on, “on Quincy Street between Thompkins and Marcy Avenues.”

He frowned. “What the hell is he doing there?”

“Being an idiot.”

No, Tony _didn’t_ just jump at the sudden appearance of the Black Widow in his shop. He also didn’t squeak in surprise, either. “What the hell?”

Romanov simply rolled her eyes. She was leaning against the open door, her arms crossed, looking quite feminine in a floral dress and heels that added about five inches to her height. There were also probably about half a dozen knives hidden on her person that Tony couldn’t even see. “Clint is being an idiot,” she repeated slowly, as if she was explaining to yet another idiot. Tony tried not to take offence, because he didn’t want to know where those knives were. Her getting one out to stab him with would be a way to find out. “He’s picking a fight with the Russian Mob over a dog.”

Um. 

“You’re serious,” he blurted. Over a _dog_? What had the Russian Mob have to do with a _dog_? And what was it about animals lately, anyway? First Fury and now Barton.

“Apparently,” she answered his unspoken thought, “the dog was being abused by one of the mobsters. Clint stepped in. Which is what he does.”

 _That_ made a little more sense. Tony might not care for pets, but anyone who abused an animal deserved to get the shit kicked out of them. 

But the entire Russian Mob getting involved? What the hell?

“Does he need back-up?” How does one man take on a bunch of mobsters with just a bow?

“Not at the moment. I have my eye on the situation, though.” She looked inscrutable, like she knew something he didn’t. That was better than irritated, which had been the expression she’d worn when she’d scared him by just appearing in the doorway like that. She and Barton were goddammed ghosts. Coulson wasn’t any better.

Well, that was good, anyway, that one Murder Sibling was looking after the other. Although how could she be watching him if she was in the Tower? He was afraid to ask, to be honest.

“We need to do something to get Agent and Idiot Bow Boy back together. STAT.” Before Barton got himself killed by the Russian Mob, which would ruin any sort of universe-shaking romance that had been going on _before_ the break-up.

“Agreed. He _still_ hasn’t said anything to me about what happened, so I’m not sure where to start.” Her expression went back to irritable. She _had_ to be, because her interrogation skills didn’t often fail her like they seemed to be now.

“I have another clue, but I’m not sure where it fits in.” He explained what Fury had told him about the job offer to Coulson. Although he kept quiet about the marriage proposal thing. Tony did have _some_ tact, after all. Not a lot, but some. And that was pretty damned private. _And_ he didn’t want to piss off Coulson because he still wanted to help plan the Wedding of the Century for them.

Natasha nodded, considering. “I can see Clint finding out about the offer and taking it out of context. His self-esteem issues have self-esteem issues.” She moved deeper into the shop, leaning a hip against one of the workbenches and managing to avoid the pile of oily cloths that he’d piled there for Dummy to put into the laundry. “So, do you have some sort of plan?”

Tony deflated. “No. But Coulson’s out on a training mission, so I have time to come up with something.”

Honestly, this wasn’t something he’d considered before. Tony was a futurist, an inventor…a genius. But he wasn’t any sort of couples’ counselor. He didn’t have the emotional knowledge to figure out the best way to deal with Agent and Legolas’ blow-up. Sure, he’d started this thinking to fix it, but now…his brain was failing him. There was a reason he usually let Pepper smack him back into line when he did something unthinkable or thoughtless. The problem was, he couldn’t smack either one of the boys because they’d likely take his hand off if he tried.

There was that guy Steve brought around to the Tower a couple of times, trying to convince him to join the team…Wilson. Sam Wilson. The guy with the wings, which was pretty cool if he was admitting it, even though he wanted to get his hands on them and make the improvements he could see that needed to be made. Wasn’t he some sort of counselor? At the VA, Tony recalled. He worked with PTSD and that sort of shit. Certainly, couples’ work couldn’t be any different than talking veterans down from freaking out over something that triggered them? It couldn’t be that hard, right?

Well, _Tony_ was finding it hard, but then he was someone who occasionally had the emotional age of a toddler, at least according to Pepper. He thought she was pretty right on about that, especially since others had said the same thing.

But, he was trying, damnit. He wanted the men he considered two of his friends – not that he’d ever tell that to their faces, of course – to have a happy ending. A lot of people were rooting for them, too. So Tony had to fix it, because there was more riding on this than just Coulson and Barton’s personal happiness. 

“I considered just throwing them into a room together and locking the door,” Widow replied. “Make them talk it out.”

“The problem with that, is that both could escape anytime they wanted…” 

Natasha nodded. “A locked door wouldn’t stop them for long.”

She was correct, but Tony wasn’t paying any attention anymore.

The _idea_ she had was sound. Getting them into an enclosed space where they had to talk about their issues was what needed to be done. It had to be one they couldn’t get out of, and run away again. Because, apparently, that was what they were doing now and they were harshing Tony’s vague yet inevitable shipper feelings toward them.

There had to be a place like that somewhere, where they could get them trapped without either Agent or Merida suspecting they were being set up…

Oh. Of course.

“I know that look,” Natasha practically accused. “You have an idea.”

Tony gave her his best shit-eating grin. “I think I just might. And we’re going to need Coulson’s baby duckling to help out.”

The smirk she gave him made his dick never want to have an erection again. Why was it that he was surrounded by crazy yet gorgeous women? It made no sense. “I dare you to call Daisy that to her face.”

“Nuh uh. I like my bones solid, thanks much. Besides, I piss her off and ruin Steve’s plans to get Quake on the team, it’ll earn me the ‘Captain America is Disappointed in Your Life Choices’ expression, and it’s way worse than Coulson’s.” Although, Agent was quickly catching up. Tony was convinced he was getting lessons from Steve on the low-down. 

“You going to explain this great plan of yours?” She was looking at him expectantly. It made Tony remember that Natasha shipped her two best friends as much as the genius himself did.

He needed to come up with a portmanteau for them.

No, he better not, because he still hadn’t figured out how Coulson managed to hide a taser on his person without it showing up as an unsightly bulge under his suit jacket. And he didn’t want to get an arrow in the ass. His ass was too perfect and he didn’t want to risk any damage to it.

“Yeah,” he answered. “But let’s get Daisy here first. Then we can brainstorm how to make it actually work…”

^^^^^^^^^^^^

The plan had to have perfect timing, because both Agent and Legolas were suspicious bastards and Tony didn’t want to give the game away before they could put anything into action.

Coulson returned a day earlier than Fury’s assessment, which had been built into the actual plan, thanks to Natasha. She’d made the comment that Coulson would most likely to be harder on the junior agents he’d been put in charge of because he’d be a bad mood, and so they’d built in a couple of days’ leeway into ‘Operation Get the Idiots Together Because They’re Being Stupid’.

That was a little better. Shorter, definitely.

The best place for their plan to go into effect was the New York SHIELD HQ. Mainly because both men were bound to be there at some point, in the same building if not in the same room. The trick was going to be to get them where Tony needed them to go. 

Which was where Widow and Quake came into it.

Tony’s part of the plan had been to get JARVIS into SHIELD’s systems. He’d already done that with the helicarrier, but his AI wasn’t as deeply entrenched into any other facility. Tony would have been able to do it on his own but it would have taken time and, since Fury wanted Coulson and Barton back together as much as anyone else did, the genius actually went to the Director for _permission_ for his AI to infiltrate SHIELD just for that purpose.

It had been galling, but it had been the most expedient method of getting JARVIS in. Fury actually agreed, with some codicils, but Tony figured he could get past those once the boys were back together.

Part of the plan had been the escape-proof room, and Daisy had helped with that. Her vibrational powers were put to good use; plus, it meant Tony wasn’t seen inside the building which, while it wouldn’t have necessarily given anything away, wouldn’t ring any alarm bells for either idiot. Coulson was always suspicious of Tony’s motives. It was patently unfair, even if Tony could admit to himself that Agent might have had a point. At times.

And so, with everything – and everyone – in place, it was just a matter of waiting.

Tony hated waiting. So he worked, and let JARVIS keep an eye on things. He had laws of physics to break, and they weren’t going to do that themselves. And it would keep him busy so he wouldn’t fret about the plan.

Not that there was a fretting bone in his body. Nope, none of that. 

_“Coulson’s in the building,”_ Quake finally reported, her soft voice echoing through one of the many speakers in the workshop. 

Thankfully, JARVIS had cut the music so Tony could actually _hear_ her.

 _“Damn, he’s really messed up the juniors…”_ There was such a tone of awe in her voice. _“Wow. I wanna be Phil Coulson when I grow up.”_

Personally, Tony thought she was well on her way toward her goal. And wasn’t that fucking scary to contemplate? The world wasn’t ready for another Phillip J. Coulson. Especially one with super vibrational powers.

 _“He’s heading into debrief, and Fury is pissed,”_ she continued. _“I’m hacking AC’s calendar now.”_

 _“Clint’s last appointment of the day is in R &D,” _Widow answered her. 

The trick had been to get them in the same place at the same time without either of them suspecting they were being manipulated. Really, this was the part where Tony could only act behind the curtain, because he was about as covert as one of Thor’s lightning storm hissy fits. There would have been no way for him to have done it, not without help. Which was why he’d recruited the Superfriends in the first place.

In the end, it went off like clockwork, the three of them manipulating events in order to get Barton and Coulson into the same elevator. Tony was quite pleased with their little team.

Once Clint was in the elevator going to R&D, it was only a matter of keeping it from closing long enough for Coulson to show up, which he would, because Daisy would have sent him in that direction by messing with Agent’s appointment calendar. Watching from the monitors in the Tower through the microdot cameras that the genius had given Daisy to plant, Tony saw it all, how Coulson barely got there, how the doors closed on both men, and then how JARVIS ‘broke’ the elevator, trapping them inside and disabling the emergency button and phone.

“J, block their phones,” he directed. The Stark phones Coulson and Barton had could get a signal anywhere, so that was the first thing to go after the elevator controls. It was slightly hilarious to see Barton try to move the phone around, like he thought he could find that one sweet spot that would get him reception, but JARVIS was just too good. Oh, he knew at least Barton would give him shit over it, but Tony was willing to take a hit to the ego for the good of the team. Besides, was it really that much of a hit if he’d been the one to do the jamming? No, he didn’t think so.

Legolas also tried to get out through the maintenance hatch, but that had been where Daisy had come in. She’d quaked the mechanism so it couldn’t be opened; thank you, Natasha, for bringing up the fact that at least Barton would try to escape that way. That would have put a serious crimp in their plans if Hawkeye had managed to get out before he and Coulson had had their little one on one.

And Tony was prepared to keep that elevator broken until that happened.

“Elevator is secure,” he reported to his two co-conspirators. There was no sound on the cameras, but even without it Tony could tell both men were irritated. 

After about ten minutes, Tony was starting to doubt it was going to work. Both men sat in opposite corners of the elevator car, studiously ignoring the other. He chewed his lip as he watched, wondering if Agent and Hawkeye were just too stubborn to bend. 

Well, there was no one more stubborn that Tony Stark. He could wait them out.

However, it seemed that the silence was getting to them, because first Coulson, then Barton, began to talk.

Tony wanted to jump up and down and cheer.

He didn’t actually cheer, but he certainly hoped no one noticed the jumping up and down part.

“They’re talking,” he managed not to squeal into the comms. 

_“Thank God,”_ Daisy sighed. Natasha didn’t say anything, but her end of the connection certainly _sounded_ pleased despite the silence.

Eventually, though, things progressed beyond talking. Tony figured Fury wouldn’t want two of his top agents to have sex in the elevator, so he signaled JARVIS to start things up again. “You might want to stand out of the way,” he warned. “They may try to break for somewhere a lot more private for the rest of the making up.”

 _“Ew,”_ Daisy groused. _“It’s like knowing your parents have sex.”_

 _“They won’t do anything at headquarters,”_ Natasha added, _“so you might want to have JARVIS keep up the privacy settings on their quarters.”_

“Ew,” Tony echoed Daisy. Maybe the privacy settings were good for things after all… “JARVIS, shut everything down, mission accomplished. And ladies…drinks are on me, so come to the Tower later on.” As he cut the coms, the screen over his workbench went dark, but Barton and Coulson had already left the camera’s range of sight. Thank goodness. Knowing the two of them were together and seeing it that close and personal were two entirely different things.

“J, get me Fury. No, wait. Just send him a message. Tell him that Sonny and Cher are back together. And he owes me.”

“Perhaps you might want to use a less dated reference, Sir?” JARVIS sounded quite amused.

Tony rolled his eyes fondly. “It’s _code_. Spies love code. And you can’t tell me the damned pirate won’t get a kick out of it.” 

“Indeed, Sir.” JARVIS was actually laughing at him, the bastard.

Over the workshop’s speakers, the very recognizable opening for ‘I Got You, Babe’, floated around Tony as he picked up the blowtorch he’d laid down on the bench when he’d been interrupted. 

He couldn’t help but laugh. “You snarky asshole AI, you.”

JARVIS didn’t answer. But then, he didn’t have to.


End file.
